Two Questions You'll Learn to Hate

They mean well, I know, but they have no idea how irritating they can be with the most mundane and seemingly innocent, obvious, appropriate questions.

"How are you?" they ask. They have no idea what a complicated question that is. It depends on the day, the hour, the weather, and whether or not I've had to deal with an insurance company that day. And the answer I'd give if I was being honest would be to explain just how fucking lousy I feel part of most every day. And, as I read this paragraph over, I'm also aware that a part of every day I am also a bit angry--more at my situation than at any one or any particular thing. But how I feel is not normal, or what was normal, not good, not sure. And I was so sure about so much for so long, thanks to him. I've lost so much of my confidence as much as I've lost anything else. So, I don't feel particularly good, but thanks for asking.

"Are you getting on with your life?" is the new, second most irritating question. No, actually, I'm not, but I'm trying not to be a pain in the ass, so I say yes, or yes, I'm trying. Total bullshit. I am not getting on with my life. I have getting on with settling his affairs but, not, I am not getting on with my life. It's too soon and I just don't know how.

I do not know if I can do this--this being what my life has been. I do not know if I want to do this--what I have been doing. I don't know if what I do maters. I woke up this morning and, for the second time in two months, did not have a clue where I was. That's not normal, either.

I cannot get on with my life yet because I haven't finished with the affairs of his life and it will be several months before that can or will happen. At least I have not fallen into the trap of avoiding these matters, which seems to be a quite common reaction. And I have not started rushing to the point of being a maniac about it all. I'm moving along with his life and very afraid of why I'll find out about my life when all of that is done.

I have no plan and I'm very anal about having plans and checklists and being sure about things. My life is very unsure. I am very unsure about what I might be doing in two years.

I have never been afraid of change and I 've turned my life quite upside down two or three times before. Have I the guts to do it again. If I do it again will it be out of fear or conviction. I should have thought about life alone before, but he was only 60, only five years in retirement. I never thought he'd live to be an old man but I also didn't expect it to be this soon.

We should have talked about this but he just couldn't. He could only ask, "What are you going to do?" I had no answer then and I don't have one yet.

Please, ask me about the weather, politics, some sport I could care less about, but don't ask me how I'm doing or if I'm getting on with my life because the answer if given honestly would be rude and perhaps unforgivable and more than you bargained for. But if you do, I'll do my best to remember my manners. Your intentions are honarable and you don't know any better. You're just as new at this as I am.