Shared Experiences I Miss

One of the things I miss most with my partner gone are the many shared experiences we so often enjoyed. In our 25 years together I came to appreciate that unlike so many couples we knew, gay and straight, we wanted to spend most of day together--and usually did if I wasn't traveling. Sometimes the experience was a first for me, sometimes for him, often for us both.

I'm spending a fair amount of time at home now, and far too much time watching tv--mostly movies--while going through paperwork or his things. When a movie comes on that we both watched and enjoined, I really miss watching that big, climactic scene or big musical production number with him. It might be any Fred and Ginger musical, Katherine Hepburn in "The Philadelphia Story" (or anything she was in), the ending church scene from "The Color Purple" (where they sing "God Is Trying to Tell You Something"), Judy Garland in "Meet Me in St. Louis." So many more I won't list here, but so many more.

I realize now most of the movies I enjoyed watching with him were musicals. He had a wonderful, wonderful tenor voice and a strong education in music. He sang in many state competitions in grade school and high school and studied music in college. He enjoyed watching most of these movies with me in part because he had rarely done that before we met. More of his childhood was spent outside than mine, which is understandable when you learn that they only got one channel in the little town where he grew up.

I'd mention something that would be on TCM and I'd get this quizzical look in return. "You mean you never seen . . . ?" I'd ask. Never. He had been my teacher in so many aspects of gay life that I was glad I could introduce him to something new and enjoyable.

I have been to only a couple of movies since he died, and it's not something I enjoy doing. You want to turn to someone after a special scene, talk about it after the credits roll. It's the same thing with dinner. Cooking for one and eating alone is as lonely as I remember it being before he came into my life. We have plenty of friends, but who wants to be a fifth wheel? And not everyone wants to see the same movies. I'll have to start planning these events with those who I hope share the same interests in entertainment and food.

Tonight there will probably be some good movie on some channel, probably in black and white, perhaps a musical. I may watch, but it won't be the same without him, just like so much of my life these days.